by Ryan J. Tressel, esq.
Alright, ladies, it's truth-tellin' time. I've sat here quietly for the past eighteen months as my wife-to-be has spread untruths about me. I mean, I don't blame her. Who would want to admit that they are marrying the gloomiest, grumpiest bastard of all time? Better just portray me as a sensitive, caring, funny stud-muffin. Well, it's not true. I haven't laughed since 1987 and despite whatever random Google image gets spit out when you search for 'handsome man' that she has posted here, I am, in reality, hideous. If an unbaptized child sets eyes on me, I steal their soul. That's how hideous I am.
With the wedding scant days away, I thought it was time I came down these parts and laid down the law about Lisa. Yes, that's right, if she'd lied about the grim, chubby monster she was marrying, why wouldn't she lie about herself?
Lie: She's a super-talented artist who has lovingly and painstakingly created all our wedding decor herself by hand.
Truth: Sweatshops. Indonesian children. 6 cents an hour.
Lie: She has a terrific and truly sweet sense of humor.
Truth: Anytime you chuckled at something Lisa posted on this blog, know that it was lifted wholesale from an episode of "Perfect Strangers." That's right, you've been laughing at Balki jokes all along.
Lie: She has devotedly blogged several times a week, when I, the professional writer of the pair, gave up his blog months ago.
Truth: At least two-thirds of the posts on craftmybride were copied and pasted from the wedding blog of Larry King's seventh wife.
Lie: She has done a wonderful job dealing with all the stresses of planning a wedding, even after both my sisters decided to get married weeks after us, and handled herself with an uncommon grace.
Truth: Neither of my sisters has been seen in six months. Search crews gave up weeks ago.
Lie: She is the most beautiful woman on earth.
Truth: This is true, however, do you realize how many small animals she has sacrificed to Acolmiztli, Aztec God of the underworld, to attain this beauty?
Lie: I am the luckiest man alive to be getting married to the best person I've ever met in four days, and then living in a house with her and having tons of babies.
Truth: Ever since I didn't pay the toll crossing over Troll Bridge, I've been cursed. Cursed, I say!
I wish all readers of Craftmybride the best of luck in their futures. I hope you haven't fallen for any of Lisa D's internet scams, and for those of you who have and subsequently lost your entire life savings, I just wanted to say the missus and I are judgement proof, so it's really not worth your time trying to sue us.
In all seriousness, some of you have been terrific internet friends to my bride over the past year and a half, and I know that it has meant a lot to her having so many people follow her journey and offer their thoughts and supportive comments. But I just want to point out that there is nobody who is a bigger craftmybride fan than ole' RJT here. I've read every post every morning after she's slinked off to work, and while I haven't commented very often, I think I should get points of the "long time listener, first time caller" variety. I'm enormously proud of my little lady, and for those of you who have read this blog and thought about how cool and awesome and truly wonderful Lisa D is, just imagine how lucky I feel that I get to marry her.
In your faces.